To All Fellow Believers In Change
I want to say a very joyful Thanks to everyone in here for all the
encouragement and support that all of you gave to me when I was
feeling like the world had ended when somebody told me a heartbreaking
thing about that I would never be able to change from Homosexuality to
Heterosexuality no matter what I did to accomplish this. I want to say
Thanks to all of you who gave me words of encouragement and support
both in the group and through personal e-mail. Thanks again to all of
you. The support, encouragement and love that I had received was
overwhelming and it does make me feel good that I am not alone, but at
times, since there really is no groups that I can go to in my hometown
regarding overcoming Homosexuality, I do feel alone. Again, Thanks to
all of you.
There are some things that I do need to share again in regards to my
struggles with Homosexuality/SSA and the way that I have been feeling
as of late. I had yet another chance encounter with that individual
and though I did share a little bit more about myself with him, he
still refused to change his opinions. Don't get me wrong, I know that
only WE can change ourselves and that even includes opinions about
certain things. I also know that WE can not change somebody else nor
the rest of the world. The only people that WE can change are
ourselves and ourselves alone.I guess that we just have to leave the
world alone and work only on ourselves and only ourselves.
I so desperately want to change and I am really serious about that. I
am sick and tired of finding men more sexually attractive rather than
women. I am sick of it and I really hate it that I do find men more
sexually attractive. I also hate the sinful behavior associated with
Homosexuality as God hates it as well. I am trying to live a clean
life without tarnishing it by willfully sinning and giving into the
immoral desires of the so called "Homosexual/Gay" lifestyle and
agenda. With what I know about Homosexuality and it's root causes, why
would I or even should I return to that immoral lifestyle. That would
be like "the dog returning to it's own vomit" (Proverbs 26:11) or "The
Sow that is washed goes back to her wallowing in the mud" (2nd Peter
2:22) and that is something that I don't want to do as I know that
having sinful sexual relations with other men will never ever give me
what I really want, which is affirmation of my gender identity and the
feelings of authenticity that go along with that affirmation of my
gender identity. It is just that having sinful sexual relations with
other men will only reinforce the identity of "Homosexual/Gay" and not
give me the real fulfillment that I really need and want.
I did share with that former acquaintance of mine other abuse that I
suffered and endured. Aside from the physical and emotional abuse that
I suffered and endured at the hands of my father and all the sexual
abuse that I suffered and endured at the hands of other males, I also
witnessed domestic violence as well. No, it wasn't my mother and
father. It was my sister who was the victim of a boyfriend that she
had for a while in the late 1970's/early 1980's. I was a witness to
many of those beatings that she suffered and endured and at one time,
when I tried to help her, he simply and literally lifted me up and
threw me against the wall and told me to stay out of it and even
called me a lot of obscene names. I was also the victim of his wrath
many times as he also assaulted me and verbally emasculated me many
times. The only unfortunate thing is that he was the father of my
niece as he deliberately got my sister pregnant at a very young age in
hopes that my mother would let him marry her, but my mom stated
repeatedly that she would never let him marry up with her as she
couldn't stand the sight of him nor did she even approve of him. He
also was a drug abuser who abused many illegal drugs and was
constantly drinking large amounts of alcohol. I went from one violent
situation with my father to another violent situation with this guy.
That was my life growing up. It just made me angrier and angrier each
time as I was angry with the rest of the world as I was angry with my
father for what he did to me as it all really scarred me emotionally.
All of that abuse and neglect messed me up emotionally and I wound up
in special education classes as a result of all those problems that I
had that I am still trying to recover and overcome. I am still in
therapy and I am taking psychiatric medication for my mental disorder,
which is bipolar depression with schizophrenic tendencies that I
possibly wound up with as a result of all the abuse of my father, that
violent guy who was my sister's boyfriend, the sexual abuse that I
suffered and endured at the hands of other members of my own gender
who used me for their own pleasure and the way that a religious cult
taught me and even tried to scare me with tactics that had no root in
scripture nor anything that had to do with God and his son Jesus
Christ. They really weren't a very loving people like they claimed
that they were. I learned that the hard way.
I also told him that the only thing that I accept and embrace about
myself is that I am a male and that I am a member of the male sex. I
also said that this was the only thing that I was accepting and
embracing about myself and that is all that I am accepting and
embracing. I will never embrace nor accept the "Homosexual/Gay"
identity as it is not what I am nor who I am. I am a man. I am
a human being and a human male and that is all that I am as far as
identity goes. Male is my true identity and that is the only identity
that I am and nothing more.
Okay, now to that other chance encounter
He said that while he had no intention of trying to lure me back into
the life, he still stuck to his opinion that it was a waste of time to
change what I intrinsically am. He still stuck to his guns regarding
Homosexuality and I knew that he had no intention of changing those
opinions that he has. He said at the same time that the abuse that I
suffered and endured should not have happened to me and that he wished
that it didn't happen to me, but at the same time, I felt that he
failed to suss that this was all that made me attain the Homosexual
desires that I am struggling with and that I am still trying to
overcome. The obstacles are against me, but I am not going to let them
stop me. I am going to continue to work where I won't let Satan the
devil have what he wants. I think that Satan is using him and others
like him to try to lure me back into that immoral and sinful lifestyle
where the only thing that anyone active in that life has to look
forward to is a future of never ending sexual promoscuity where they
will never ever find the "right man" as God never intended for this to
be as he made man and woman. I know that I have to remain strong in my
road to overcoming Homosexuality and I must resist any temptation to
act out. He also told me that in time, I would understand what he was
trying to say to me in regards to this as he also said again that what
those who believe that it can be changed and that anyone who believes
and accepts their message are free from it once they believe that they
can change are liars and have no basis in anything at all in regards
to being Homosexual. But I have no intention of going back to that
sinful lifestyle and I am going to continue working on this and to
keep continue seeking support and encouragement from those who believe
and support the truth about Homosexuality. This reminds me that I need
to be on guard as there will be those who are opposed to the truth
and since they are opposed to the truth, they are also opposed to the
creator and his son Jesus Christ. Not only that, these people opposed
to the truth are the real liars, especially when they tell others
that "you can be both a 'Christian and Gay'." But we all know that the
latter is not true at all. We all know that the Holy Bible condemns
the sexual activity between two members of the same gender and it is
in both the Old and the New Testaments. The apostle Paul said
that "men who lie with men" will never inherit God's Kingdom in the 1st
letter to the Corinthian church(1st Corinthians 6: 9-10). In
Galatians, the Apostle Paul also warns that "those practicing immoral
sexual activity" will never inherit God's Kingdom(Galatians 5: 19-21)
and isn't the sexual activity between two members of the same gender
considered immoral in the eyes of God? It is one of the reasons why
God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah(Genesis 19: 1-26) While the Holy
Bible, which is God's sacred word and the only real way that we can
learn about him, does condemn the sexual activity between two members
of the same gender, we have to keep reminding ourselves that the Holy
Bible as well as God doesn't condemn the condition itself, because the
Homosexual condition is an emotional condition and not a sexual one.
God's way is "hate the sin. not the sinner." Regarding the
rampantness in the news about same sex marriage, we all know that God
does not acknowledge same sex marriage as God never intended for
marriage to be that way as he created man and woman for that. Plus,
when two members of the same gender supposedly get married, that is
lioke mocking God and as Galatians 6: 7-8 says "God is not mocked.
Whatever a man sows, he shall also reap". They are reaping corruption
by their supposedly getting married, even though God does not accept,
recognize nor acknowledge same sex marriage. He only recognizes,
acknowledges and accepts marriage between a man and a woman. No
questions asked. No if's, and's or but's. No substitutions. No
exceptions. His law is the only righteous law and the only law that is
required to be followed by anyone who claims to worship and love God
and accepts God in the name of his son Jesus Christ. As a result of
these negative encounters, I was depressed for much of the afternoon
on Tuesday and also for another reason, I gave into temptation six
consecutive times by masturbating and it was both emotional and
sexual. On Tuesday, I did have a talk with a Christian counselor over
the phone who lives in the region that I live in and I did feel a
little bit better. But I still gave in two more consecutive times for
a total of six consecutive times. This is the most that I have ever
relapsed in a long time. I am trying to get the idea of having sex
with other members of my own gender out of my mind. It just keeps
coming back every time that I turn around. I want to think Christian
thoughts about men and I want to continue looking at men as spiritual
brothers because the only real manly love is brotherly love in a
spiritual and Christian sense. That is the only way that a man can
love another man and there are no substitutes for brotherly love.
Brotherly love is unselfish, impartial, non-sexual and the feeling of
being loved by another man in a brotherly love sense is a lot more
wonderful than the feelings received from having immoral sex with
another member of your own gender.
Aside from me having a penis, I also have another thing that other men
have. I happen to have a white creamy liquid that comes out of the
penis called semen. It usually comes out of the penis when sexual
intercourse is performed and also, that liquid called semen has lots
of tiny sperm cells when it ejaculates out of the penis and it only
takes one little sperm cell to mate with a female egg cell to make a
new human life. That is why we men have that liquid and that is what
it was made for. I am not only biologically hard-wired to be
compatible with a female with the penis that I have, but I also have
the power to impregnate a woman with the semen that I have. Though I
do have these things as I am a member of the male sex, I have no plans
of using these things for anything immoral as I am trying to do the
right thing in the eyes of God and his only begotten son Jesus Christ
because I know that God, through the Holy Bible, condemns anything
sexually immoral. The thing is that both these things that men have
are being used for the wrong purposes and also, when the semen is
ejaculated in the act of that immoral intercourse, they are simply
wasting that seminal liquid in that and also, the penis is also being
used for the wrong purposes in that type of immoral intercourse. It is
just sad that those active in that sinful lifestyle are blind and
misguided and using their own sexual powers for those wrong
purposes as two members of the same gender can't reproduce as God made
man and woman for that reason. The never ending sexual promoscuity
that is very common in that sinful lifestyle can and will lead to AIDS
later on and once anyone has disease, they have signed their death
certificate as AIDS kills as there is no cure for that disease.
Someone that I knew actually died of that disease five years ago and
it really saddened me.
Regarding the masturbation episodes, I feel like a total basket base
at the moment. I have given into temptation six consecutive times and
I am feeling miserable as a result. Again, I feel like a total basket
case as a result of that. I am seeking healing and after those
negative and betraying like encounters with that former acquaintance
of mine who is an active Homosexual, I am now having images of naked
men cloud my mind and also, my cravings to act out have really
increased and I really don't want to act out. One minute he says
that he supports my decision and the next minute he says that I will
always be "Homosexual/Gay" and that there is NOTHING that I can do
about it. I guess that he really didn't take into consideration all
the abuse that I had suffered and endured as he still continues to
believe the lies about being "Born this way" or that it is "genetic"
and if you are "Homosexual/Gay", you are that way forever and that
nothing can change that. Again, I am learning the hard way each and
every day that there will be those who are opposed to the truth about
the changeability of Homosexuality. I also know that many of those
opposed to this truth are those who once believed the truth but later
abandoned that when persecution by those in that life and also, when
they didn't see any changes right away or in a short period of time,
they simply give up and run back to that life and join the opposition
towards the truth. I still want to change and I an still very serious
about seeking and wanting to change. I am also still determined to
change. I also want to do the right thing in regards to the law that
God set forth in his word, the Holy Bible, and stick to that law as it
is the only law that someone who believes and worships him is to be
following. Out in the world, everything is considered okay if you are
having a good time and whatever you are doing feels good and if it
does, you should continue doing it regardless of what anyone else from
religion says. That is what the world thinks, but as we learned from
the Holy Bible and from God himself, everything is not okay. There are
limits and if you love God and worship him, you should prove it by
obeying his laws that he set forth in the Holy Bible and that also
means that we are to leave the world alone. Because the world will
always follow it's own drummer but we as worshipers of God in the
name of Jesus Christ, we are to follow the drummer who is God with his
drum major Jesus Christ. You can't be an active Homosexual and be a
Christian. It is impossible. You can only represent one side of the
issue and not both. But I see that the world believes the lies as the
lies are more easy to believe than the truth.
I just wanted to share all of that because of the way that I have been
feeling and that I had to open up about my failing and falling short.
I still want to change. I am still determined to change. I am also
still determined to be the man that not only I want to be, but the man
that God wants me to be. Again, as Kenneth G. Smith, the author of the
book Learning To Be A Man said "A Man Becomes A Man When He Becomes
What God Wants Him To Be." That is what I am trying to become and
though there are opposers out there, we can't let them deter us from
doing what is right and also from changing who WE are as individuals.
I apologize for the length of this e-mail. I just had a lot to share
as I am continuing to seek change and also some support and
encouragement, which I really need as much as anyone else struggling
with this needs. Again, I apologize for the length of this.
Thanks to all of you for your kind words and also, for all the support
and encouragement that you give. Thanks again.
I hope that everyone in here has a wonderful day or evening.Sincerely
Frank R.Schoonover
